these hands (are covered in blood)
by CaptainOzone
Summary: Yukio finds himself alone after defeating Satan and destroying the Gehenna Gate he helped create, and he's happy to finally have the privacy to assess the damage he's done, look back on the mistakes he's made, and try to accept the transformation he never wanted. But of course, he isn't alone in this. Not with Rin at his side. Rated for mild language.


Yukio stared at the palms of his hands.

Beside him rested his empty gun holsters, which he removed without hesitation the moment he was alone. He'd given up the gleaming silver Colt pistols, gifts from his bastard of a grandfather, to Headquarters not even minutes after the Gehenna Gate was destroyed. Even within the safe confines of the leather, the pristine shine of those damn things had taunted him, reminded him, up until the moment he'd given them away.

Thank Assiah he'd never have to so much as look at them again.

He never should have left his Glocks behind. Those...those had seen horrors, too—plenty of horrors—but those weapons were an extension of himself. Dad had given them to him, the very day he had earned his Dragoon Meister, and together, they had overcome every obstacle life had thrown at them. The two pistols had become his companions, so much a constant in his life he could not bear to leave home without their weight at his hip. They had borne witness to his triumphs...just as they had his mistakes.

A childish part of him weakly argued that maybe things would have been different, had he never forsaken his tried and true weapons. The other part—the logical, poisonous, and harsh part—swamped all hope, and the memory of Rin, standing defiant and confused, interrupting class and _demanding_ answers...

He'd pointed one of his Glocks at his brother that day, and that proved that no matter the means, no matter the gun, he still would have held resentment in his heart. He still would have been possessed. He still would have done _it_.

 _What have I done?_

Yukio's hands trembled. In a single jerky movement, he reached up to remove his glasses and rub his eyes. Halfway from his face, the frames fell from his frozen hand onto his lap. Taking a deep, shaky breath to calm himself, he tentatively extended his fingers back toward his right ear.

He didn't know what he was expecting. Of course it tapered at the end. He knew this, just as he knew of the other changes he was tenaciously attempting to ignore. Knowing, however, didn't necessarily mean he _accepted_ it. The touch...it was physical proof, beyond doubt, that this wasn't a nightmare, that his worst fears had become reality.

He was no longer fully human. He never had been. Everything he once believed about himself, about his brother, were lies. All of them.

Disoriented, Yukio let his hand fall and took another deep breath to calm himself. If it ended in a dry sob...well, who was there to judge?

 _This wasn't supposed to happen_ , Yukio thought as his eyes burned and itched. _How did it all go wrong?_

He wasn't sure he was ready to tackle that question.

What he did need to tackle, though, was a little harder to accept than newly tapered ears.

The long green, ornamental coat had hidden it from sight, saving what little remained of his dignity. Now that he was alone, he'd be free to change out of his ruined trousers and release it from the constraining material of his coat. He could _feel_ it, cramped and uncomfortable, and he finally understood why Rin felt so much relief when his secret was blown to his classmates.

Yukio was beginning to understand a lot more about Rin now.

With a sigh, Yukio stood and slowly unbuttoned his coat. His quaking fingers slipped over the brass buttons a few times, but eventually, the coat was off, thrown carelessly onto his bedroom desk. When it... _twitched_ , as though it possessed a mind of its own, Yukio squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing the panic threatening to overcome him.

So what if he had a tail? he wondered, trying to coach himself into accepting the inevitable. It wasn't unheard of: he'd seen several half-demon exorcists inherit any number of demonic traits. Besides, if Rin could take it in stride, he could too. He _would_.

Without opening his eyes, he leaned forward, catching the back of his desk chair and gripping it with white-knuckled hands. His...tail whipped around, another sign of his agitation. He could feel it pass through the air, frighteningly alien.

He swallowed forcefully and opened his eyes. He saw it flitting around in his peripheral vision, and though it took several more moments of mental preparation, he finally turned his head and assessed the new limb with disassociated eyes.

It was just like Rin's, though the coarse hair covering it was a deep brown rather than silky black. The tuft of fine hair at the end was far tamer than his brother's, too, and the thought of that distinction being all too fitting made Yukio bark an almost hysterical laugh.

He must be going mad. As exhausted and stressed as he was, Yukio supposed his emotions couldn't be trusted. Honestly, it was a miracle he wasn't...

 _No_. He wouldn't think of it. He couldn't.

Shaking his head, Yukio released the chair, swung his tail forward and, with a sense of morbid fascination, gingerly touched it. It didn't feel any different than touching his skin or his hair, but it still sent a chill through him.

The door suddenly shot open, causing Yukio's heart to jump into his throat. Dropping his tail as though scalded by the thing, adrenaline coursed through him, energizing him and awakening reflexes honed by practice...and now instinct. Power blazed through his veins, tantalizing and overpowering. His automatic move toward his Glocks was cut short by the intensity of the flames rising within.

Flicking his gaze upward, a warning shout on his lips, he noticed Rin, standing in the doorway with the strangest expression on his face. He was a mess, his clothes still stained with gore and weariness stifling his naturally energetic aura.

The brothers stared at each other for a moment, frozen in place, before Rin slunk in, shutting the door behind him and removing Kurikara from his back. "...what are you _doing_?" he asked, tone suggesting his younger brother was weird beyond measure.

It was probably warranted. Yukio probably looked even more a mess than Rin did.

Yukio closed his eyes and slumped into bed, wincing as his tail got in the way. As his heart rate decreased, the flames eased back, and he effectively beat them down, down into a deep corner of his heart. A sense of humiliation replaced his anxiousness as Rin's attentive, sympathizing gaze pierced him.

Just how long had he been sitting alone in bed? He had wanted to be asleep by the time Rin returned from his debriefing. He didn't want to talk to him, not about this, not _now_. Why now? Why...?

"Nothing," Yukio responded, a little too late.

Rin hummed, a small smirk teasing the corners of his lips, and Yukio averted his eyes, feeling shame beginning to color his cheeks. He'd been possessed by Satan. He'd gotten tricked by the man who would have had his mother, his brother, and himself killed, and in the end _he'd_ been the one who shot his brother. He'd had a hand in opening the Gehenna Gate and destroying True Cross and Academy Town. And just now, he'd been caught playing around with his new tail. Of all the possible things Rin could have (and had) accidentally seen, this took the cake.

"Hey, Yukio," Rin said gently. Yukio felt Rin's weight plop down next to his on the twin bed, and he struggled to compose himself, unable to look his brother in the eye. "I'm sorry," Rin continued, "I _really_ want to tease you, but I won't." He shifted awkwardly, and Yukio could see him fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "I know how it is. It's...weird, isn't it?"

Yukio looked up at Rin more out of shock than anything else. Ever since entering the world of exorcism, Rin had begun displaying moments of sensitivity and compassion that surpassed even Father Fujimoto's. If Yukio were being honest with himself, his twin had always been that way, even if his brash and loud personality often overpowered any outward signs of his gentler side. Nonetheless, it never failed to catch him by surprise. But more than that...Rin was the most irritatingly carefree person in Yukio's life. It never _once_ crossed his mind that Rin would have felt the same sort of discomfort with his own transformation.

"After the old man died," Rin admitted, "I have no idea what you were doing or where you were, but I locked myself in the bathroom...and just sat on the floor, in front of that full length mirror we had hanging on the back of the door, remember?" Without waiting for a response from Yukio, Rin chuckled darkly, "Well, I couldn't stop staring at my reflection. I was probably in there for hours."

"Really?" Yukio breathed, a surge of pity and affection rushing through him. He reached toward Rin but stopped short, and his hand fell halfway between them. "I—I never knew."

"That's because I didn't want you to, Four-Eyes," Rin said matter-of-factly. "I didn't realize you were already involved in all this shit, and by the time I did...I'd gotten over myself."

Guilt stabbed straight through Yukio's gut, and he squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't pinpoint when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, he'd lost sight of what was important. He'd become pretentious, so consumed with selfishness and so jaded by resentment because of what happened to Dad, because of his lot in life, and because of all the promises he made and duties he'd assigned himself, that those very promises and duties had twisted beyond all recognition. He had blamed Rin time and time again, hating his brother and hating himself for things that were beyond their control...and even more so for the things that were in his control.

 _I am a control freak_ , Yukio realized. _And I am a horrible person because of it. I'm an even more horrible brother because I couldn't stop pretending, because I couldn't open myself back up to Rin._

 _Because I couldn't appear weak_.

But since when had weakness ever translated into becoming an emotionless and self-obsessed robot without a single thought or concern for what his brother was going through? When had weakness ever meant shutting family out?

 _What would you say to me now, Dad?_ Yukio wondered, looking up at the ceiling. _Have I made you proud?_

He doubted it. The only thing he had left of Dad were his two Glocks…and his promise to protect Rin.

And he'd failed. He didn't protect Rin any better than he'd prevented himself from getting possessed. How could he have ever ignored the fact Rin was obviously struggling, both before and after Dad's death? How could he have been so distant and cruel? How had he and Dad ever considered it a good idea to keep things from Rin in the first place? And how, in the name of _God_ , was he only realizing this now, in the face of his _own_ transformation?

He wasn't only a control freak. He was a damn hypocrite too.

"Rin..." Yukio whispered, voice cracking. "I'm sorry." Traitorous tears slipped down his cheeks. "I'm so, so sorry."

Rin immediately shifted over and flung an arm over Yukio's shoulders, and, in a gesture all too familiar to Yukio, pulled him close to his side. He looked like he wanted to say something, his eyes blazing with defensive and protective fire, but Yukio shook his head. _He_ needed to talk now, and Rin was going to listen, dammit.

This was long overdue.

"I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark. About everything. About exorcism, about our heritage, about the signs I was beginning to see in myself, about getting possessed..."

"Hey! Didn't we go over this already? Some of that was beyond your—"

"Rin! Please! Just...Just listen." Yukio heaved a gasp and broke, the dam he'd erected to keep the more troublesome emotions away finally shattering like a baseball through glass. "I'm sorry for leaving you to deal with all this—" he gestured toward their tails and then in a haphazard circle around them "—by yourself. Because I did, don't you dare deny it. I left you alone, and I...I can't imagine..."

Yukio choked, his control over his power slipping through his fingers. Terror rising once again in his chest, he inhaled sharply and fought to take back control.

Rin squeezed him close, drawing Yukio back to his warm, stable presence, and the motion calmed him, just as it had when they were kids, before Father Fujimoto ever told Yukio he could one day be strong enough to protect his brother from demons.

"You're afraid," Rin commented, as though Yukio hadn't just poured his heart out apologizing to him. He pulled away from Yukio and placed both hands on his shoulders. "Look at me, Yukio."

Despite himself, Yukio did, and Rin grinned goofily at him. Slowly, he removed one hand and summoned a small ball of blue flames. Yukio almost jolted away before he saw the calm expression on Rin's face. Holding the fire out to Yukio, Rin's smile softened, and he said, "Take it."

Yukio didn't have much of a choice. Rin sensed his hesitance and practically shoved the flames into Yukio's hands, and he felt his own power rise to the surface, eager to feed the ball of energy and light cupped in his palms. It was warm, gentle, almost _beautiful_ , pulsing like a little heartbeat.

When he looked up at Rin, his brother was smirking again. The smirk was gone in an instant, however, and he groaned theatrically. With a due amount of irritation, he complained, "So unfair. Of course _you'd_ have better control over your flames than I did at first! What is there to be afraid of, Yukio? Honestly. I couldn't even—"

Drawing attention to what Yukio was subconsciously doing unnerved him, and the flames danced more aggressively, rising to new heights and consuming his entire—

"Whoops," Rin said, and he scooped the flames from Yukio before he could blink. Under Rin's control, the flames were tamed back into their little bluebell ball, and his twin chuckled his uneasy chuckle, the one he used whenever he knew he was in trouble. "Hey, Yukio, calm down. I've got it, okay?"

"That...that was..." Yukio stuttered. Eyes narrowing, he scowled and hissed, "' _Whoops_?' What in the _world_ possessed you to do that, Rin? I have no idea what I'm doing! You should know that better than anyone! I'm dangerous!"

Rin didn't seem to like that at all. His expression grim, he shoved the ball of flames back at Yukio, and like the last time, instinct took over. Yukio caught the flames, his power rising beyond the boundaries he'd set.

"Take a deep breath," Rin suggested. "And listen to me. These are our flames. Yours and mine. It took me awhile to really accept it, but these flames have absolutely _nothing_ to do with Satan. He might have given them to us, but that doesn't give him any power over us. Today should have proved that to you. We've got all the time in the world to prove it to others, but right now, what's important is that you know it too. They are _ours_. No one else's."

"Ours," Yukio repeated numbly, staring back down at the ball, which was already starting its disobedient behavior under his inexperienced power.

"Yeah. Ours. Now extinguish them."

"Um...Rin...?" There was no way. No way at all. How was he supposed to, with the flames nipping so playfully and enthusiastically at his fingertips? Fear threatened to send his heart racing again, and even as he watched, the flames grew. In his mind's eye, they blazed, and he felt...No, no, Satan was gone. He and Rin had defeated him. Together. The bastard was gone. Gone.

Yukio shook his head vigorously, and he tried to hand the flames to Rin. "I can't. There's absolutely no way. Not yet. Don't make me do this."

"Nope," Rin said, popping the 'p' and moving out of Yukio's reach. He folded his arms, looking unimpressed with Yukio's desperate expression. "You can do this, you big baby. Focus. Use that brain and all that self-control you pride yourself in!"

"But—!"

"There's nothing to worry about. It's just you and me. You won't hurt me, and I'll help if you need it, okay?"

The flames had started to spread down his forearm, but at least they weren't spiking toward the ceiling like the last time. Rin raised an eyebrow, watching their progress up Yukio's arm with impatience. "Extinguish them already, Yukio. Come on. You're already better at this than I was. Do it!"

And remarkably, Yukio did. If he thought Rin was being harsh, the thought didn't stick around for long. This attitude was exactly what Yukio had portrayed to Rin, albeit without the pep-talking in between, and for whatever reason, it worked for him in a way it never did for Rin. Rin watched and waited expectantly, a hint of eagerness in his eyes that could not be extinguished no matter how unaffected he pretended to look.

It occurred to Yukio that Rin wanted to see what he was capable of. And no matter what else, Yukio's competitive soul couldn't _possibly_ let Rin outshine him...nor could it let his brother down.

It took a moment to find his grip again, but after a few moments of steadfast concentration, the flames receded back down into his palm before eventually puffing out of existence.

Rin's smile was downright _smug_ , and any triumph or wonder Yukio felt was immediately trampled by annoyance. "Alright," he muttered. "You can stop that now. I get your point."

"Aww, c'mon, Yukio," Rin cooed, his feline grin growing. "Don't be like that."

"You're obnoxious."

Pouting dramatically, Rin complained, "But you just did it! What happened to apologetic Yukio? He was actually being pretty nice to me just now."

Yukio winced, and of course, Rin noticed. The humor died from his expression, and he ruffled Yukio's hair, much to the younger twin's dissatisfaction. "Don't take it so literally. I didn't mean it, loser. I just...I didn't say any of that stuff to make you feel _guilty_. I don't want apologies, you know?"

"...No," Yukio admitted quietly.

The question _How could you ever forgive me?_ remained unasked, but it hung like a heavy veil over them.

Rin sighed and ducked his head. The twins sat in silence for a moment before it became too much for Rin, who admitted, "I never wanted you to be like me. I know you never wanted it either, which is why you had those daily check-ups. I was glad, at first. I didn't want you to have to deal with this too." His gaze blazed with sincerity, and Yukio felt even more exposed and vulnerable, to have his twin speaking of Yukio's bitterness and unhappiness as though it were his own.

"But it did happen," Yukio said, rubbing his eyes. "And now I do have to deal with it. I just...I was hard on you, Rin. I didn't stop to try to understand, and now that I do..."

"Stop that!" Rin demanded angrily. "Dammit, what does the past matter now? You're not going to deal with it alone!"

"I'd deserve it."

Rin rapped his knuckles against Yukio's forehead. "That was the dumbest thing you've said to me today, and you've said and done plenty of dumb things today. Look, even if I were mad at you for all that, it doesn't change that fact that we—I mean, we're _brothers_. That's why...I am kinda glad too. I'm not alone anymore, either, right?"

A self-deprecating smile touched Rin's lips at the confession, but then he brightened before Yukio could utter more than a soft "Rin..."

"This'll be great!" Rin exclaimed excitedly, jumping to his feet. "I mean, it does kinda suck for you, and I'm sorry about that, but there's always a bright side! We can practice together now! We can really test our limits, learn to manipulate our flames better, develop fighting techniques! Maybe one day I won't need Kurikara anymore, and you...huh, you know, maybe we should talk to Mephisto tomorrow about—"

As Rin rambled on, his enthusiasm and hyperactive energy growing with every word, Yukio leaned back and found himself smiling.

(If any of the other exwires had been present, they would have finally noticed how strikingly similar the twins were when they smiled like this: genuinely and without inhibition).

Half-listening to Rin, Yukio stared at his palm again and curled his fingers inward. His power simmered just underneath the surface. He could feel it, and it was there to stay. He'd need to learn everything he could about it to feel more comfortable about using it around others, but he'd helped defeat Satan with this power, and he'd held those chaotic flames in his hand, maybe even found them beautiful, if only for a brief moment, all because of Rin.

There was so much he had yet to address and even more issues to work out, but maybe...Looking back at Rin, smiling and prancing around as he was, eyes alight with ideas and plans, Yukio could finally believe, for the first time since Dad's death, that everything was going to be okay.


End file.
